Happy Holidays?

How to best navigate discussions around your fertility this holiday season.

Author

Reniqua Allen-Lamphere
November 21, 2024

Family has always been important to me, but dealing with family during the holidays when trying to figure out your fertile future can be a lot, to put it mildly. When I was super single but getting “old” by some people’s standards–meaning I was thirty (eye roll)– I kept getting peppered with questions about when I was going to have children during one holiday get together. It was particularly traumatic because at that point, I wasn’t even sure if my body could handle a pregnancy since I’d just had a surgery that found a huge fibroid and endometriosis.

During another dinner, a particularly feisty 90-something told me to go ahead and have my kids, even if I did not have a partner, because, you know, men suck. While I appreciated her ability to look beyond the traditional norms and largely agreed with her, it wasn’t exactly what I needed to hear.

After I got married, the questions about my womb continued.

“When are you gonna stop that fancy job and bring me some kids?”

Then, when I was quietly dealing with the reality of infertility and the fact that I may not birth kids in the way I expected to and taking a million fertility drugs, I was side-eyed for being “fat.” Even after four rounds of IVF, placenta previa, and one very cute rainbow baby boy at 40, people still asked if I and when I was going to have another.

You know, you can never win with some folks.

So while I’ve always felt very lucky to be surrounded by friends and family during the holidays, I also get how triggering and frustrating it can be when you’re struggling with your fertility. I asked Dr. Anna Flores Locke, a mental health counselor who specializes in infertility and has dealt with infertility herself, how we can all survive the holidays. She said that even though the holiday season may be tough, even for her as a Latina that comes from a family-centric culture, “coping is about taking it one moment at a time” and recognizing that your path is uniquely yours and isn’t about living up to someone’s “timeline or expectations.”

“Social gatherings often mean putting on a strong, cheerful face while feeling a deep vulnerability inside. The preparation for these gatherings might involve bracing yourself emotionally, anticipating certain topics, and developing responses to protect yourself. At the same time, there’s a strong desire to feel happy and celebrate with family, which can create a sense of inner conflict—wanting to fully embrace the season but not being able to escape the reminders of this deeply personal journey.”

“Navigating these emotions can be incredibly draining, especially when paired with the hope and uncertainty that come with fertility treatments and balancing all the responsibilities of work and family life. Self-care and setting boundaries can help, but sometimes even that doesn’t alleviate the emotional weight of this season. I’ve learned that coping takes intention and a lot of self-compassion. Family is so central to our culture, and there’s a lot of love in that, but it can also mean that family gatherings trigger painful emotions when you’re facing infertility.”

Additionally, she suggests reaching out to other people of color who get your unique experience and reminding yourself that “Holidays are about connection, not just family milestones. I try to focus on what I enjoy, like cooking, dancing, or laughing with my loved ones. Celebrating the relationships I have now, even if my family isn’t the size I want it to be yet, helps me feel grounded and grateful.”

What I’m Reading 📚️ 

Thanksgiving is supposed to honor the three-day “peaceful” feast between the colonial settlers and the Wampanoag tribe in 1621. But, like most things in America, the history is more complicated. While some native folks celebrate Thanksgiving as a day of thanks, it feels like this history is, at best, incomplete. So, first up, I’m learning a little more about the holiday from the folks at Native Hope. I’m also learning about how Indigenous communities are dealing with fertility:

  • An interesting read on the rising popularity of Native American fertility deity Kokopelli 

  • A look at how indigenous people are turning back to more traditional health practices around fertility and pregnancy.

  • And a more somber read about forced sterilizations in Native communities.

What I’m Pondering 🤔 

Is fertility a laughing matter? I’m not going to post any cat videos or anything to allegedly lighten the mood up here (though maybe I should?).

At first glance, nothing seems funny to me about dealing with eggs and sperm and all that jazz, but a few people (yes, it’s not just women!) of color seem to disagree. One of my last jobs was working with a comedian to talk about the news, and I’m still thinking about how comedy can be used during a time in people’s lives that often seems so bleak. Here are a few clips of comedians who are making fertility a laughing matter:

Hassan Minaj on Being Infertile
Ann Chun on Egg Freezing

I couldn’t link this one as a preview but this clip had me howling!

One Question for You❓️ 

What's the best fertility-related gift you got? Let us know in the comments, and we'll share the list in an upcoming issue.

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